Asexuality and Sex: What’s the Deal?
By Anna Buescher
Being asexual comes with a lot of complicated feelings from feeling you are incomplete or “built wrong” to feeling like you were born with better self control than others. It’s confusing when you are surrounded by people unlike yourself and it can be difficult to feel comfortable in your identity. On top of those feeling of alienation from your peers comes an even more confusing back and forth inside your own head. Asexuality is a broad spectrum and is not solely used to identify one particular idea. In general asexuality refers to the lack of sexual attraction to others.
Within that broad definition comes a plethora of different identities all equally defined as “asexual”. Some asexual people have absolutely zero sexual attraction to anyone and have no desire for sex, masturbation, or any kind of sexual activity. This is one end of asexuality, but it’s not the only definition. Some asexual people have occasional sexual attraction, some have no sexual attraction but still partake in sex and sexual activities, and others are sexually attracted only to themselves. All of these are identified as an asexual person and all of these interpretations are equally true. I am an asexual individual and for me that means it is incredibly rare for me to have sexual attraction towards other people but it still happens on occasion. I have had sex before,when the right person came along and all my other conditions were right. Having had sex does not make me any less able to identify as asexual nor does it revoke my asexuality in any way. I still have very rare sexual attraction to people and a lot of factors are necessary for me to want to or enjoy sex. Some asexual people have sex regularity and thoroughly enjoy it. This does not make them any less asexual either! You can have sex as much as you want and still identify as asexual. The only “requirements” for using the label is that it feels right for you.
If you are asexual and sexually active or looking to be sexually active there tends to be an awkward moment with potential partners where you have to talk through your label and what it means for you. Most people when they hear asexual automatically believe it to mean sex repulsed. Having a mature conversation with your partner where you can gently correct wrong assumptions is important. Openness and communication are incredibly important in any relationship, but especially in sexual ones. Be honest and open with your partner and make sure everyone is on the same page and receive verbal consent before engaging in sex or sexual activities with others. While having to explain and talk through your own sexuality with others can be uncomfortable or a detour from a planned night it is still incredibly important to make sure everyone is having fun and staying safe. Not to mention the more open we are in sharing our own stories and experiences with each other the more misinterpretations we can prevent and the more we can learn as a society.
About the Author
Anna Buescher is a current junior at Butler university studying Biology and French. She uses she/they pronouns and identifies as a queer woman. She is passionate about LGBTQ+ rights, climate change, fungi and much much more. You can reach out to her at abuescher@butler.edu.