Guy Friends
By Theo Tran
My best friend is actually someone I haven’t ever written about. I’ve written about two of my siblings, who are themselves my best friends. I’ve written about historical figures, athletes, and a boy I went on one date with, but I’ve never written about my best friend, Liam. Relative to the rest of the world, he is very much the default person. In my life, though, he is one-of-a-kind — a tall, cisgender, heterosexual-presenting white guy. On the surface, we could not be more different from each other. But in the past week, I’ve found a new appreciation for just how much I do love him.
I’m thinking about all the ways he’s helped me as a friend, and as a person. Thinking about this just so happened to coincide with a little bit of chatter about the friendship of new American (and Canadian) heartthrobs, Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie (and fear not — this article isn’t about them or Heated Rivalry, in case you’re tired of that). I’ve seen a slew of posts and little articles talking about how Williams’ and Storrie’s bond with one another is just not one that is really ever seen in the media, with male celebrities (or guys in general).
I’m thinking, girls (and company) have movie nights all the time, sleepovers, tea time, whatever it might be, that I see and have been a part of pretty often. You don’t see that really happen for guys — there’s a reason there’s so much discourse about the “male loneliness epidemic.” The actual statistics are blurry between studies, but psychology researcher Joseph Allen from the University of Virginia put it like this: “We know that in adulthood, men tend to have less strong social relationships, a smaller social network than women…Especially for males, to admit that you’re lonely is a pretty vulnerable thing to do.” There’s a shitty amount of toxic masculinity that ruins the ability to just have fulfilling friendships.
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Exactly a week ago (as of writing), I was having a generational crisis about the sheer ignorance and exclusion that is embodied in the most visible parts of American culture — in this case, men’s hockey culture. Liam got me into the sport some 3 years ago and it has since become a core part of my identity. What was going through my head a week ago felt like a genuine reckoning. A rude awakening that has been felt by many others, described in a way that says, “this passion, this sport that you love and feed passion into, will not love you back.”
What happened with the U.S. men’s hockey team after they won gold at the Milano-Cortina Olympics is something that embodies misogyny and homophobia in such a way that has shattered the communities I’m so proud to be a part of. So, mired in the display of hate and ignorance in front of me, I landed on Liam of all my friends to talk to. I have other friends of color, other queer friends, other people who may very well better understand the hurt that is inflicted by this Trump White House — but Liam was the one I talked to. And what a great friend he is.
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When it comes to Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie (often affectionately referred to as “HudCon”), the two co-starred as an intimate couple on Heated Rivalry but are also best, platonic, friends off-camera. And, every time they are asked about their friendship, there’s no hesitation: “I genuinely believe that you are part of my soul family,” Connor said to Hudson in a feature with Cosmopolitan.
The conversation about the value of friendships between guys who aren’t scared to show affection is something that reminds me of me and Liam. Even though he likes to act like hugs are the worst thing that’s ever happened to him, he’ll give them to me. For however many reasons, I just don’t ever see male friendships that are as genuine as female ones are — while girls share their thoughts and feelings and deepest musings, there is very much a joke among young men that you don’t get that vulnerable with the guys.
Hell, even writing this now feels weird, in a world that really brings a weird element of toxic masculinity into friendships. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never written about my friendship with him before. And he’ll hate me for having written this all out, even though he gets letters from me all the time. But, really, I sort of flex the friendship I have with Liam. We tell each other more things than we really tell anyone else in our lives, we tease and (notoriously) bully each other, but also comfort each other whenever needed.
Maybe this feels like a sales pitch to all my fellow young guys — but everyone, really — to show your friends you love them. That you really love them, like my friend Basil did the other day, when he caught me totally off-guard. It’s surely an understood thing, but vocalize and show it anyway. It’s worth it.
And in the short three years we’ve really known each other, and I can’t speak for him but, I think I’ve come to owe Liam a lot. His house was always open to me when I needed a quiet spot. He would do stuff at his desk or things around the house and let me sit in his bed and shut my eyes. I lean on his support a lot, though, infuriatingly, he used to always shrug me off his shoulder if I tried to lean on it, and then tell me that I wasn’t allowed to be sleepy. There was a time where we would go on short drives together every day — or just sit and have lunch in his car. There’s been an abundance of times where I talk about the hardest parts of being trans or being Asian American with him, too.
All my close friends know, also, that physical touch means a lot to me. I’ll steal a hug from someone whenever I’m allowed to. And like I said, Liam used to play hard-to-get if I asked him for a hug. I would fix the tags that stuck out from the back of his sweaters, pick off cat fur from his hoodies, try to flatten the cowlick that was always on the back of his head (with little success), and a slew of other little platonic displays. Something between parent-friend and domestic. But it took him most of those three years to get the memo himself — give your fellow guys hugs, don’t be shy to share space, and understand that the world is (or rather, it should be) long past saying “no homo!”, or any other phrase that inadvertently propels this weird toxic masculinity around us. These days, he’s increasingly one of the best people I could ask to be in my life.
Lots of people have pointed out that seeing friendships like Connor Storrie’s and Hudson William’s helps take down this sense of toxic masculinity that suggests that two male friends can’t express platonic care the same way two women can — the way that if two guys hug or lean each other on a regular basis, there’s people saying, “What are you, gay?” To which Hudson responded in a way that meant a lot to me: “You know, [Connor and I are] best friends, and we love expressing that physically. And then, you know, you see people who infer or assume, and you kind of have to let that go. But then, again, I never wanna stop expressing my love I have for Connor physically.”
So, I hope the one classmate that tried to stop me from comforting another guy in public two years back reads this and gets the message. Stop being afraid of expressing your love. I leave this on a quote from a TikTok he sent me the other day: “Now, I didn’t know that this dude was trans for the first six months that we were friends. I just assumed he was my most ~thoughtful~ guy friend. I got suspicious when he remembered my birthday.”
About the Author
Theo Tran is a college student from Denver, Colorado, though he is studying in Chicago. He is a first-generation Vietnamese American, and identifies as both transgender and gay. Theo is deeply passionate about history and the social sciences, which has fueled his participation in grassroots organizing at the local level. Theo joined Matthew’s Place after designing stage lights for his school’s production of The Laramie Project, where like so many, he resonated profoundly with Matthew’s story and the foundation’s mission: to erase hate. He plans to become a teacher in the future, and has experience in political organizing. You can reach out to Theo at tkpr.tran@gmail.com for any questions, comments, or just to have a chat!